Apology

June 27, 1876
Dear George,

Hello from Washington, D.C.! I hope this message finds you well. Things here are crazy. I should have said no to this whole ‘being president’ thing. I’m tired of getting all gussied up and dealing with politicians all day! Give me the simple life! A fresh military uniform, a couple hundred men under my command, some Johnny Rebs to rout! Heh! Those were the days, my friend, those were they days.

So how are things out your way? I hope the “Badlands” are treating you well. Why do they call them the “Badlands” anyway? Sounds a bit unpleasant if you ask me. You know, if we’re going to really get this United States of America thing off the ground, we HAVE to start giving better names to things. It’s like we ran out of good names at Lake Superior. Do me a favor, while you’re out there, take a look around and see if there’s something else we could name that area after. Green Prarie? Rolling Hills of Montana? I don’t know, you’re out there, not me.

Along with this letter you should have received a case of this really fantastic whiskey I found. Oh, it is good stuff. Made by a guy in the south! Heh, those southern boys are good for something! Anyway, Julia’s been on me to stop drinking so much of it, but what does she know? She says I have a problem! I say I am the President of the United States of America! I can stop anytime I want! Abraham Lincoln never had any problem with my drinking and everybody thinks he walked on water! At any rate, the case is your with my compliments. Pass it around to the rest of your command, or not, it’s your call. You know what I’d do.

I tell you Custer, you take care of this little indian problem for us and you could quite possibly be sitting at this desk yourself! You gotta play your cards right though and we gotta keep that whole ‘you marrying a squaw and fathering two of her kids’ thing a secret, but I see big things for you in the future. The country needs men who – –

Sorry, I forgot what I was going to write there. Schuyler just came in here and told me the greatest joke! Why didn’t the indian cross the river? He had new moccasins and had reservations about getting them wet. Man, oh man, that man is funny! When you’re president, be sure to pick a VP with a sense of humor!

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is I wanted to apologize. Apparently we got some bad information and there MAY be a few more indians out there at Little Big Horn than we initially thought. You’ll probably want to hold off a day or two before clearing them out. I’m sending some extra guys over from Fort Lincoln but it’s gonna take them a bit to get to you.

Again, I’m sorry, I know how important correct military intelligence is to you. It’s something we’re working on here in Washington. Just hold off a day or two, sit back and drink some of that fine whiskey. Then, when reinforcements arrive, get out there and kick some redman butt!

Talk to you soon,

Ulysses

P.S. Reservations! I’m crying!

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