Closing Arguments

NOTE: This piece is based on a piece done by Shoebox of Worm Quartet.

Thank you your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, sitting on a celebrity trial is never easy. The media scrutiny this case has received has been immense as evidenced by the record 4 jurors who have been excused over these past six weeks. In fact, it’s well known that finding the twelve of you to sit on this case was very difficult because of the far reaching fame of my client.

It is this fame. This ‘celebrity’ that has been foisted on my client because of his many years on television that I believe the only outcome you could possibly reach in this case is that my client is not guilty.

Now, over the past six weeks we’ve heard witness after witness come in here and describe the events of that fateful day. I want you to realize that through all the accusations, my client has never denied doing any of it.

Yes, my client did cause the disturbance that morning of May 20th at the Big K Market on Main Street. The disturbance that got so out of control it caused a gas main to rupture and start the five alarm fire. The very same fire that, before it could be controlled, while thankfully causing no personal injury, burned down the three adjacent storefronts. The fire that reduced to rubble not only The Big K, but also, Penelope’s Yoga Emporium, Sniggler’s Feed and Bait and The Come Clean Laundry and Dry Cleaners.

Yes, my client did, upon leaving the Big K, throw every magazine on the rack of Big Buddy’s Newsstand into the center of Main street whereupon the instant road slick caused a seven car pile up. An action that blocked off access to the area by the fire teams arriving to douse the rapidly spreading flames.

Yes, my client did upend Carson’s Taco and Dogs cart emptying the contents of said cart into the main rain runoff attracting the city’s population of rats which still infest the charred burnt out remains of our once glorious downtown area to this very day.

Yes, my client did knock Mrs. Fritchie out of her motorized wheelchair, steal her wig and begin to do a lascivious dance in front of her small pomeranian Digby. The effect of these actions have resulted in therapy bills for both Mrs. Fritche and Digby that have run into several thousands of dollars and will likely continue to accumulate in the years to come.

Yes, my client did knock out six of the arresting police officers, including Police Chief Pearson, before they were able to finally restrain him and even then, yes, my client caused $13,000 worth of damage to the back seat of patrol car 64.
Ladies and gentlemen, my client, who sits before you, shamed and remorseful, denies none of these actions. But, to you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury I say, the full brunt of the responsibility for the events of morning of May 20, 2009 do not rest solely on my client. In fact, I’m willing to go so far as to say that my client is not at fault at all.

No. I say the fault rests solely on the shoulders of the children. The children who were there in the Big K that morning especially to see my client. The children who knew, they very well knew, of my client’s addiction. His weakness. They had seen that very addiction played upon daily on their television screens at home. They knew the end result of their actions and as much as I’d hate to speak such ill of small children, I daresay they intended to feed on those very addictions on that morning to cause the very reaction they received.

In closing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when looking for blame in this case, do not look into the sorrowful eyes of my client. Look into the eyes and blackened souls of those children who were in the Big K Market that morning. The children who knew, that my client, is and was at the time, Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs.

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