Tag: parody

6 Numbers You Didn’t Know Were Total Jerks

6 Numbers You Didn’t Know Were Total Jerks
By Grant Baciocco

Numbers.  They are all around us.  We use them everyday.  We count things with them.  We add them, we subtract them, sometimes we even multiply or divide them.  But did you know that for all the good they do us, there’s six of these numbers that are total jerks?

And it’s not the numbers you think would be total jerks either.  For example, 666 is a really nice number who got a lot of bad press for a contract it signed to appear in the Bible.  A move the number thought would be a good business move, but it had missed the part in the clause where it said the writers of the bible could portray him in any light they chose.  But even through years of negative word of mouth, 666 is not a jerk.  In fact, the number donates over half of the royalties he makes from the bible to a local animal shelter.

The six numbers on this list, however, are in no way as magnanimous.  Read on and prepare to be shocked.


6. Number ∞

Ugh.  ∞ or Infinity is a major jerk.  Part of the reason is that he is made up of all of the numbers.  Forever.  And he will never let you forget that fact either.  His memoir: I’M ALL THE NUMBERS.  FOREVER tanked in bookstores because it was just page after page of nothing but those same two sentences repeated.  ∞ uses the fact that he is all numbers, forever, to buy stores out of popular products like iPads or to buy out entire theaters on opening day of big movies.  No one is quite sure where ∞ gets all the money to do this, but he does.  And here’s the most infuriating thing about ∞, HE’S NOT EVEN A REAL NUMBER!  HE’S AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT!  But that doesn’t’ make him any less of a jerk and that’s why he’s on our list.


5. Number 197

Everyone knows that the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand started the ball rolling towards World War I.  Gavrilo Princip was the man who carried out the assassination.  Number 197 was the who sold Gavrilo the pocket sized FN model 1910 pistol he used.  197 knew exactly what Gavrilo was going to do with the gun and he still sold it to him anyway.  Why?  Because 197 was out at the market and wanted to buy some chocolate bars and forgotten his billfold at home.  Gavrilo saw 197 searching for his wallet and spied the gun and made the offer.  197 agreed and the gun was sold.  197 never faced any sort of conspiracy charges and, unlike everyone else, was pretty unaffected by World War I.  Hope that chocolate was all you wanted.  Jerk.


4. Number 1

Number one is a huge jerk and it is all because he is Number 1.  Being at the front of a long line of numbers can go to your head and it has in this case.  Number 1 is always taking credit for launching rocketships, counting off songs, being first in all the calendars and for having more broadway songs with his name in it than any other number.  It doesn’t help his ego that every league leading sports team fans chant his name over and over.  Even when confronted with the concrete mathematical facts of number zero and all the negative integers, number 1 scoffs and says, “It all starts with me.”  When asked for a comment about being on this list, Number 1 replied, “It doesn’t matter if I’m the biggest jerk or the least biggest jerk.  When you get to the top of your list, you’re gonna need me to finish it all off.  I’m #1 baby.”  Total Jerk.


3. Number 13

You almost want to feel bad for Number 13.  Early on he, like 666, got some negative press.  Instead of being something cool, in his eyes, like the mark of the beast, Number 13 is just unlucky.  He’s often ignored or skipped over.  People freak out if he goes on date with his girlfriend Friday and buildings will leave his name off of their elevators even though they do have a 13th floor.  All of this mistreatment over the years has made Number 13 surly and unpleasant to be around.  Almost as if a self-fulfilling prophecy.  People don’t not want to be around him because he’s unlucky.  But because he’s a jerk.


2. Number 616

At the beginning of this article we spoke about Number 666 and how he was trying desperately to live down the bad contract he signed years ago to appear in the bible.  Well, not many people know that Number 616 signed a similar contract and, unlike Number 666, has been doing all he can to live up to the reputation.  Also known as the Number of the Beast (the devil), Number 616 has done all he can to promote Satanism around the world.  He even went as far as self-producing an animated series to try and lure children into the thrall of Beelzebub.  He owns a cult like compound in South Dakota and lures young runaways there to be his ‘brides.’  When parents come there looking for their daughters, he has them arrested for trespassing.  Thought, legally, he has done nothing wrong, his attitude and actions get him a big ranking place on our list of numbers that are jerks.


1. Number 7

Probably not a shock to those who know him.  Number 7 tops our list of numbers that are the biggest jerks.  If you thought Number 1 had an over inflated ego, you haven’t met Number 7.  Number 7 has let all the ‘lucky number’ stuff go directly to his head.  And the problem is, he actually IS lucky so it just feeds his ego even more.  The amount of money he’s made of slot machines that feature his likeness alone, could solve the country’s debt problem.  His deal with the market chain, 7-11, nets him billions a year.  (Side Note: The deal also nets Number 11 a very pretty penny, but you don’t hear Number 11 bragging about it.)  Number 7 owns large houses around the world and is notorious for leaving all the lights on in all of them 24 hours a day simply because he can afford it.  He refuses to donate to charity or even do any charitable work saying, “I worked hard to get where I am.  They can do the same.”  Although rumors of his cannibalistic tendencies towards the number 9 have never been proven, he won’t flat out deny them.  Last year he was at the center of a controversy when a picture surfaced showing him next to an elephant he had apparently shot in a hunting expedition.  The news quietly disappeared from the newspapers around the same time it was revealed that Number 7 had bought the countries largest papers.  Number 7 is a big jerk.

And there you have our list of the 6 numbers who are the biggest jerks.  And remember, these are only the biggest jerks.  There’s lots of other numbers who just narrowly missed out list.  Number 1,345 who was arrested for hoarding cats.  Number 598 who is a notorious womanizer.  And do we even have to mention the shenanigans that Number 36 pulled?  Numbers are everywhere and a lot of them are jerks.

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