Category: Writings
Every now and then I get the urge to write something. Check out my dabblings here.
The Cauldron of Hate A Primer
I’m putting this I. The wednesday words category, even though it’s coming out on a Friday. Deal with it.
For the past few years I’ve had a bunch of characters rolling around in my head. A trio of super villains called The Cauldron of Hate. They have been in my head and I’m not quite sure what to do with them.
I started writing a novel/novella about them and that sort of fizzled out. I’d like to try a screenplay based on the same story, but I’m a ways off from that. There was some thought of doing the story as an audio drama podcast but the story focuses on this trio’s interactions with several kids and I do not have the patience to round up kids to play the parts, let alone deal with the parents of the kids.
So, what to do with these characters? I don’t know. Sometimes to get my brain going, I’ll write short stories involving the characters and I have a fun one I’d like to publish here on the blog, just for fun. The problem is, the story sort of assumes the reader is already familiar with the characters and gives no backstory on them at all. So I figured I’d need to give you a little backstory on them in order to fully understand who they are and what’s going on. Then, if there’s interest, I’ll publish the short story.
So, The Cauldron of Hate…
The Cauldron of Hate are a trio of supervillains who banded together because they were tired of constantly having their evil plots thwarted by superheroes. The roster of The Cauldron of Hate consists of The Blinding Skull, The Plant Lady and The Living Lump.
The Blinding Skull is the smartest person in the world. His brain works at a much higher capacity than any other human, past or present. In fact, his brain works at such a high rate, it actually gives off heat and glows white hot. It glows so much that it lights up his skull giving him an eerie appearance of a, well, Blinding Skull. The light from his cranium fluctuates with how hard he is thinking and, sometimes when he is sleeping or if he gets knocked unconscious, his brain function will revert to normal levels and his true face can been seen. This is a rare occurrence though.
The Blinding Skull could easily solve most, if not all of the worlds problems if he would focus his incredible IQ on hunger or poverty instead of Death Rays and Earth Axis Disruptors. His unquenchable thirst for total world domination prevents any of his thoughts to stray towards the good side though.
As smart as he is, none of his plans have ever come to fruition because, although he always gets his calculations correct, he always forgets about the human element. The world is not a perfectly scientific place and this is The Blinding Skull’s weakness.
The Blinding Skull is joined on his team by The Plant Lady. The Plant Lady was shunned by the botanical community after she had found a way to genetically speed up plants movements. Laughed at by her peers, The Plant Lady turned on society, a society more interested in destroying plants than living with them. Her plant army is an impressive sight to see marching upon a city bank or scientific research institute, but they are just that, plants. Though they can move faster than non-engineered plants, they aren’t any stronger and even a baby can knock over and unpot a fern. Like The Blinding Skull all of her dastardly plans up to this point have been foiled, but she continues in her wicked ways. She is not hungry for power however, she more goes after those who have spurned her and those who would hurt plants.
The final member of this terrible trio is the behemoth known as The Living Lump. The Living Lump was born with a genetic defect that made him twice as tall and twice as wide as the normal human being should be. Because of his affliction, which was apparent at the moment of his birth, his parents gave him up for adoption. By junior high school he was had to sit outside his classrooms and listen at the window because he was so big, he couldn’t comfortably fit inside the building. Though his studies suffered, his strength grew and he excelled at football, even being offered scholarships until he grew, simply, too big to play for fear he could seriously hurt the other players. He became so big he found that most people were frightened of him and he shunned the public.
Having no home and no support, and not being too smart, The Living Lump was easily talked into committing crimes by the less scrupulous members of society. After all, how great was it to have a henchman on your team that could rip a bank’s vault door clear off the hinges? The Living Lump bounced from supervillain team to supervillain team until meeting The Plant Lady one day. She instantly saw the gentle giant for what he was and he found a mother figure he could confide in. The Living Lump is not inherently evil but he does have a chip on his shoulder from the way society has treated him. He finds comfort in being near The Plant Lady and The Blinding Skull’s brilliance is awe inspiring to Lump, so he is a proud member of The Cauldron of Hate.
So there you have it. The trio known as The Cauldron of Hate. Before I publish this story however, there’s a few other things you need to know.
The Cauldron of Hate live in a hideout known as The Hate Pit. It is cleverly hidden in the middle of the City Dump. A place no one would ever look. While you have to hold your nose getting to The Hate Pit, The Blinding Skull has come up with air purifiers on the inside that would lead you to believe you were the farthest place from the dump. It has several levels, a Lab for The Blinding Skull, a greenhouse for The Plant Lady and a central kitchen with an industrial strength blender that The Living Lump uses to mix up his favorite treat, peanut butter milkshakes.
Finally, I guess I have to tell you about The League of Good. The League of Good are the city’s resident superheroes. The team consists of Suprema, The Mighty Ranch Hand and El X-O. Suprema is a being from another planet who possesses the powers of super strength and flight. The Mighty Ranch Hand is a rugged cowboy from Texas whose enchanted lasso and bullwhip can stop any villain in their tracks. El-XO is the world’s more powerful Lucha Libra star who gains all his power from the mystical masks he wears. These three have no trouble when it comes to stopping any nefarious plan The Cauldron of Hate may come up with.
And that is about it. That should give you a good starting point of who the characters are so that the story I post next Wednesday is completely out of the blue. I’d love your thoughts on the characters and the story when it is posted. As I said, these characters have been in my brain for several years now. It’s good to get them out into the world, even if they are just dipping their toes into it.
All Characters and scenarios ©2014 Grant Baciocco/Saturday Morning Media
6 Numbers You Didn’t Know Were Total Jerks
6 Numbers You Didn’t Know Were Total Jerks
By Grant Baciocco
Numbers. They are all around us. We use them everyday. We count things with them. We add them, we subtract them, sometimes we even multiply or divide them. But did you know that for all the good they do us, there’s six of these numbers that are total jerks?
And it’s not the numbers you think would be total jerks either. For example, 666 is a really nice number who got a lot of bad press for a contract it signed to appear in the Bible. A move the number thought would be a good business move, but it had missed the part in the clause where it said the writers of the bible could portray him in any light they chose. But even through years of negative word of mouth, 666 is not a jerk. In fact, the number donates over half of the royalties he makes from the bible to a local animal shelter.
The six numbers on this list, however, are in no way as magnanimous. Read on and prepare to be shocked.
6. Number ∞
Ugh. ∞ or Infinity is a major jerk. Part of the reason is that he is made up of all of the numbers. Forever. And he will never let you forget that fact either. His memoir: I’M ALL THE NUMBERS. FOREVER tanked in bookstores because it was just page after page of nothing but those same two sentences repeated. ∞ uses the fact that he is all numbers, forever, to buy stores out of popular products like iPads or to buy out entire theaters on opening day of big movies. No one is quite sure where ∞ gets all the money to do this, but he does. And here’s the most infuriating thing about ∞, HE’S NOT EVEN A REAL NUMBER! HE’S AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT! But that doesn’t’ make him any less of a jerk and that’s why he’s on our list.
5. Number 197
Everyone knows that the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand started the ball rolling towards World War I. Gavrilo Princip was the man who carried out the assassination. Number 197 was the who sold Gavrilo the pocket sized FN model 1910 pistol he used. 197 knew exactly what Gavrilo was going to do with the gun and he still sold it to him anyway. Why? Because 197 was out at the market and wanted to buy some chocolate bars and forgotten his billfold at home. Gavrilo saw 197 searching for his wallet and spied the gun and made the offer. 197 agreed and the gun was sold. 197 never faced any sort of conspiracy charges and, unlike everyone else, was pretty unaffected by World War I. Hope that chocolate was all you wanted. Jerk.
4. Number 1
Number one is a huge jerk and it is all because he is Number 1. Being at the front of a long line of numbers can go to your head and it has in this case. Number 1 is always taking credit for launching rocketships, counting off songs, being first in all the calendars and for having more broadway songs with his name in it than any other number. It doesn’t help his ego that every league leading sports team fans chant his name over and over. Even when confronted with the concrete mathematical facts of number zero and all the negative integers, number 1 scoffs and says, “It all starts with me.” When asked for a comment about being on this list, Number 1 replied, “It doesn’t matter if I’m the biggest jerk or the least biggest jerk. When you get to the top of your list, you’re gonna need me to finish it all off. I’m #1 baby.” Total Jerk.
3. Number 13
You almost want to feel bad for Number 13. Early on he, like 666, got some negative press. Instead of being something cool, in his eyes, like the mark of the beast, Number 13 is just unlucky. He’s often ignored or skipped over. People freak out if he goes on date with his girlfriend Friday and buildings will leave his name off of their elevators even though they do have a 13th floor. All of this mistreatment over the years has made Number 13 surly and unpleasant to be around. Almost as if a self-fulfilling prophecy. People don’t not want to be around him because he’s unlucky. But because he’s a jerk.
2. Number 616
At the beginning of this article we spoke about Number 666 and how he was trying desperately to live down the bad contract he signed years ago to appear in the bible. Well, not many people know that Number 616 signed a similar contract and, unlike Number 666, has been doing all he can to live up to the reputation. Also known as the Number of the Beast (the devil), Number 616 has done all he can to promote Satanism around the world. He even went as far as self-producing an animated series to try and lure children into the thrall of Beelzebub. He owns a cult like compound in South Dakota and lures young runaways there to be his ‘brides.’ When parents come there looking for their daughters, he has them arrested for trespassing. Thought, legally, he has done nothing wrong, his attitude and actions get him a big ranking place on our list of numbers that are jerks.
1. Number 7
Probably not a shock to those who know him. Number 7 tops our list of numbers that are the biggest jerks. If you thought Number 1 had an over inflated ego, you haven’t met Number 7. Number 7 has let all the ‘lucky number’ stuff go directly to his head. And the problem is, he actually IS lucky so it just feeds his ego even more. The amount of money he’s made of slot machines that feature his likeness alone, could solve the country’s debt problem. His deal with the market chain, 7-11, nets him billions a year. (Side Note: The deal also nets Number 11 a very pretty penny, but you don’t hear Number 11 bragging about it.) Number 7 owns large houses around the world and is notorious for leaving all the lights on in all of them 24 hours a day simply because he can afford it. He refuses to donate to charity or even do any charitable work saying, “I worked hard to get where I am. They can do the same.” Although rumors of his cannibalistic tendencies towards the number 9 have never been proven, he won’t flat out deny them. Last year he was at the center of a controversy when a picture surfaced showing him next to an elephant he had apparently shot in a hunting expedition. The news quietly disappeared from the newspapers around the same time it was revealed that Number 7 had bought the countries largest papers. Number 7 is a big jerk.
And there you have our list of the 6 numbers who are the biggest jerks. And remember, these are only the biggest jerks. There’s lots of other numbers who just narrowly missed out list. Number 1,345 who was arrested for hoarding cats. Number 598 who is a notorious womanizer. And do we even have to mention the shenanigans that Number 36 pulled? Numbers are everywhere and a lot of them are jerks.
100 Word Stories – Police Blotter – All 10 of them.
Time once again for a brief, 100 word, story based on an item from the police blotter from my hometown of Burlingame, CA. Link to the actual police blotter appears below the story.
Enjoy!
All Ten Of Them
By Grant Baciocco
Edgar squinted his eyes and looked at his friends who stood in a semi-circle around him. A smile crept across his face. “How…how…” his words were slurred due to the amount of alcohol he and the rest of his friends had consumed. “How many of us are there?”
“You’d better count.” Glenn replied. His words just as slurred.
Edgar silently went around the circle, counting. “There’s…there’s nine.”
“You didn’t count you.” Glenn replied, laughing.
“Okay, okay, let’s all count together.” Edgar ordered.
Slowly, and carefully, all ten of them began counting at the top of their lungs.
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100 Word Stories – Police Blotter Story – Socks
The return of the 100 words stories based on items from the poise blotter in my hometown of Burlingame, CA. Link to actual police blotter is below. Enjoy!
Socks
By Grant Baciocco
“I have no choice, I’m going to have to ditch these socks.” James said to himself as he pedaled down the street. “Why didn’t I do laundry last night?”
He thought about the late night he’d spent playing video games rather than doing his laundry. Now he was biking to work and was gagging because his socks smelled so bad. Two weeks ago, he’d decided to throw out all the socks with holes in them. He now had one pair left and had worn them for two weeks straight.
He pulled over near a car and began removing his shoes.
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